Fourteen days into January, and most of us have probably spent more time at the gym this year than we have in our entire adult lifetimes. The resolutions, they are upon us, and we have decreed: this year we will lose the weight! At least until the free gym membership runs out, right? Or until we just can't stand that creepy guy at the ab machine eyeing us any longer.
I used to think that the worst part about the gym would be all the buff dudes in the weight room dousing me in sloppy loads of testosterone; would that that were the least of my problems! No, the gym is full of folk, from creepy to sleazy to downright annoying, and I'm doing my best to deal with them whilst I huff and puff away. Read on to enter an account of this gym-goer's own personal hell: the 10 most annoying people at the gym.
10. The people outside the giant window watching us run
Someday, once we've all properly adhered to our gym routines and learned to eat well, or at least hide our eating disorders, everyone will be thin and beautiful. Until then, those of us at the gym who are sweating our asses off on the treadmill will not be especially thin, and in that moment, not especially beautiful. So why, gym architects, do you put the cardio equipment in front of the window that opens onto the street so that we can be gawked at like zoo animals? And seriously, dude with the giant coffee, we saw you walk by four times.
9. The locker room mirror hog
We're all at the gym hoping to see results. You are, too. That's fine. But spending seven minutes rotating oneself like a rotisserie meat in front of the full-length mirror is unlikely to reveal anything you didn't catch in the first four minutes. Move over, I have eyeliner needs.
8. The raquetball super-enthusiasts
It's hard for me to run and laugh at you wearing your goggles all over the place at the same time.
7. Wearers of ill-fitting gym clothing of the small persuasionTiny shorts. Tiny shirts. Tiny respect for the rest of the sweating, panting humanity. The smallest thing on your person at the gym ought to be your headphones, not your jogging shorts. I don't care if you're male or female, the fact remains: flesh is already plentiful at the gymnasium, and less is more. Way, way more. Like, 10 times more.
6. The locker room phone-talker
The public phone-talker is unknown to no one; we've all encountered the wheeling-dealing businessman, the self-absorbed Greek initiate, the baby-centric mommybot, all yammering on within closely quartered earshot. But the locker room phone-talker is a whole other breed, cluelessly getting their personal business on while wearing nothing but a jock strap or bra. Must one deal with somebody else's issues both visually and aurally? In the locker room, the answer is yes.
5. The person setting a world record for speed on the elliptical machine
At any moment, limbs could go flying mere feet from where you're trying to keep up a reasonable pace on the treadmill. Who knew an elliptical could churn so fast? Somebody put some milk under that thing, 'cause we've got enough energy going to make butter.
4. The over-motivated personal trainer
We all need a little guidance in our lives, and nowhere is that more important than at the gym, where one false move could result in serious injury or public humiliation. Usually both. Personal trainers are a great way to avoid both those things while losing weight. Just make sure your personal trainer stays personal. I'm trying to count reps, and it's hard to keep track when someone's yelling, "OMG YOUR FORM IS AMAZING! SIX MORE!" in my ear.
3. The dude sitting too close on the stretching mat
My, what a large stretching mat we have here! Look, there's room for yoga balls and Bosu balls and all kinds of fun stretching accoutrements! Maybe one of the reasons we're paying such an exorbitant price for gym membership is because we have giant spaces like this: use them! If there's no one else on the mat and I'm having to restrict my crunches because some dude in a sweatband hasn't ever heard of the concept of "personal space," somebody's gonna bounce.
2. The Goddess
She's been on the treadmill for 45 minutes, and she hasn't cracked a sweat, even though she's running at six mph. Her eyeliner remains perfect, her tan appears to be authentic, and there's not an ounce of cellulite on her frame. Men line up for the cardio equipment directly behind her, and I'm just wondering where her sweat glands are.
The gym is already full of people doing relatively personal things in view of strangers; let us not add kissing, back rubbing and baby-talk to this list. From the jock trying to teach his girlfriend how to shoot hoops to the 105-pound woman spotting for her bodybuilder husband, couples at the gym are as inappropriate as cupcakes at a Weight Watchers meeting. Leave the loving at home--I already feel like puking after my workout most of the time, anyway.
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